Aperture

I didn't realize
that by not working with you
to achieve closure
I was creating an aperture.

Closure means that
something is complete
By this logic
Aperture means that
something is incomplete.

Our relationship is incomplete
because
I am
My heart is incomplete
The aperture
lets you in
like a flash of light
and your image is
burned onto my heartfilm
whether I like it or not.

I think I need a new heart
you can still crawl in
although your staying power
isn't what it used to be
My voicemailbox used
to be filled with your
after midnight
drunken
rambling
confessions of love.

This was the foreground, clear
I cherished your
uninhibited words
for their scarcity.
This was the background, unfocused
I never questioned
their sincerity
or my own
that came later.

A lower f-stop can achieve this effect - 
this means a wider aperture.

I was always anxious
doubted myself
my worth.

Your words pop up on
my phone
And while I am flattered
that I am in your
thoughts
I am also reminded that
you scarcely know me anymore
I don't question your sincerity
it is obvious now
but it is also unsolicited
unwanted.

This is now the foreground, blurred
I erase your texts
almost as soon as
they appear
I read them but
am not hanging
on every word
no matter how sincere.
This is now the background, clear
Your messages have become
scarce, which is how I like it.

What f-stop could achieve this?

A cut is an aperture
a scab is closure
a scar is the picture
the composition that results
from the collaboration of
open and shut
wounded and healed
birth and death
light and dark.

Primacy v. Recency

I write in my letter to her,
"How is Nathan?" and then
"How are you?"
I am the child who
eats the red Skittles last
because they are the best
So when I ask my
sometimes sister
often pen pal
how she is
last in the list
of people I inquire after
she is supposed to realize
that she is
important to me
I think she is
the best.

On her next visit
during a weekendbirthdayholiday
she teases me for caring more about
the well-being of her boyfriend
than for her
She has misunderstood
he was a green Skittle
tolerated to make the red one sweeter
But his position in the list
before her
has given her the wrong impression
about my
priorities.

Now she is gone
it is too late for me
to tell her that
I finally understand
She taught me to say,
"our dad"
But what she really wanted
was to be his first and last thought
the primacy and the recency
rolled into one
To be the apparent afterthought
of his always last thought
must have made her feel
insignificant.

According to Eddinghaus
when given a sequence
people tend to remember
the last thing in the list first
This is known in the field of psychology
as the recency effect
The items in the middle of the list
are usually forgotten
But the items at the beginning
are recalled
at last
in what is known as
the primacy effect.